A New Start
Original Air Date: May 26, 2013
Ryan O – Staff Writer
Welcome to Tobias chasing his dream of becoming an actor. It leads him to running away with a fellow actor he met at an “acting clinic” and breaking up with Lindsay.
Things don’t go well. Very not well. No, worse than that. No, worse.
As the episode opens, we’re watching what looks like a sting operation. The news anchor, John Beard, is there. The subject of the sting? Tobias. And he’s wearing some weird costume. Turns out, it’s for the show, “To Trap a Local Predator: Supercreeps.”
We zoom back to immediately after the Queen Mary incident. He talks with Lindsay, who is going on about giving up on things that aren’t working, like his acting career and the marriage since everyone thinks he’s gay. (Hey, there’s that coughing again in the background.) He can’t believe people think he’s gay. Lindsay tells him it’s a running joke. He can’t believe it. I assure you, Tobias, it is a running joke. A good one, too.
Tobias goes to the model home and sees the copy of Eat, Pray, Love that Lindsay was reading. It leads him to the same conclusion as it did Lindsay — he’s going to India. They end up packing at the same time. He tells her he’s making a new start. She likes that. He says he already has the license plate and we see the license plate. “ANUSTART.”
Tobias drives to the airport and we see Lindsay and her cab driver calling him an “anus tart” again as we did in Lindsay’s episode.
On the airplane, he spills tea on his sheet he’s wearing to resemble a traditional Indian garment. He goes to clean it in the bathroom and then realizes he’s not sure how to put it back on. Oh, he’s still in the nevernude-cutoffs, so that’s disturbing. Eventually, he gets it back on but it looks like a Marilyn dress, which is also disturbing. He sits back down, chooses to watch a movie (but not The Fantastic Four, which was an option), when WHAM! the woman in front of him gets annoyed with him pounding her seat back. It’s Lindsay.
At the airport, he grabs a suitcase and gets going. He walks outside and can’t believe how hot it is. Then, he gets a little bit hit by a bus and has to go to the hospital. The doctor is familiar. He tells medical students that Tobias broke his skull in two places, once at the airport and then once in this hospital when his sheet was pulled off his gurney and took him with it. Tobias rolls over and breaks his skull in a third place, “on this elephant guy statue.” This cracks the medical students up and they tell him he should be a comedy actor.
Two weeks later, he flies home. Lindsay, again, slams her seat back into Tobias. We cut to the condo with most of the family sitting around. Lindsay says they’re going to try to make it work. Tobias is in a neck brace and a “Shemale”-brand shirt (hard to believe they’re still making those things). He says he’s going to try harder to be an actor.
Cut to the real estate agent. The couple buys the house. Tobias hires Ed Helms, real estate agent, as his acting agent. Cut to Tobias handing out headshots to extras and then cut to Tobias serving the duck for Thanksgiving. He lifts the lid on the serving dish and the sooty duck quacks and flies off the table. Cut to a Chinese restaurant that cooks and serves the duck.
Next, we watch the funeral of the real estate agent, who committed suicide because of his despondency over the housing crisis. In the background, there’s a guy with a sign pointing the way to the funeral and he’s spinning it around, just as he would if the sign were to an open house. Also in the background, a parade of mail trucks. Looks like Pete the mailman’s funeral was the same day.
We cut to the “Method One” acting clinic. Tobias sits down to watch one of the “monologues.” He talks to a woman after she sits down and gives her notes on her “performance.” The woman was the Invisible Woman in a very quickly produced version of The Fantastic Four a number of years ago. (This, by the way, actually happened.) The narrator fills us in on how Imagine had six days to make the movie to keep the film rights. They used the four bartenders at the party. We watch a clip and down at the bottom of the screen are the silhouettes of two robots and Joel from Mystery Science Theater 3000. FANTASTIC! Tobias encourages the woman to keep the acting dream alive.
Cut to CW Swappigans. We watch her put butter on her face at the table with Barky Mark and Lindsay and then we see Tobias and DeBrie in the bathroom. DeBrie reveals she’s done some “straight bait” movies — movies where a woman baits a man into having sex with another man. Tobias has seen three of the nine she made (in one day). They continue talking and DeBrie says he reminds her of Billy Crystal and Tobias kisses her. The narrator points out she was going to say, “Billy Crystal Meth,” a funny drug dealer. She says if she was with him she could have a new start. “WHOA WHOA WHOA! Did you see my license plate, ‘A-N-U-S-T-A-R-T’?” “WHOA WHOA WHOA! Did you see my straight-bait movie of the same name?” DeBrie says they’re meant to be together and they should run away together. Tobias wonders if he can improv his way out of a marriage, “Yes, and … let’s do this.” DeBrie blacks out and they go to the hospital.
In the hospital, Tobias talks her into sticking with acting. Cut to a scene on Hollywood Boulevard. DeBrie is dressed in the blue Fantastic Four uniform and holding a sign that says, “Your Picture $10.” There are people in costumes on the street, including a very fat Flash. Tobias is yelling about having your picture taken with Sue Storm, the Invisible Girl. “I don’t think this is working. Maybe I should get a regular job. I do have a law degree.” Tobias isn’t hearing it. He decides they need to change something.
The next day, Tobias is also in the blue uniform. A kid and his dad walk up to them. “Are you smurfs?” They realize that’s not working, either. The next day, he’s dressed as The Thing. Two guys who look like the Blue Brothers walk over to them. Tobias tells them they’re Sue Storm and The Thing. The two guys are lawyers from Feinberg, Feinberg, Feinberg, and Feinberg and they represent Marvel and Stan Lee. Tobias and DeBrie get served with a cease and desist order.
Tobias says they need to go off-brand and at a different location. A kid and his dad approach them and Tobias admits they’re really The Thing and Sue Storm. They get arrested since they were cops.
Things get worse. Tobias comes home to DeBrie about to have sex for money. Tobias goes to the condo to ransack it. Before he gets in the door, he hears Lucille 2 calling for help. He breaks into her condo and finds her being attacked by an ostrich, because sure. He rescues her.
A grateful Lucille gives Tobias a job at Austerity, her rehab facility. It would pay $120,000 a year. He turns it down. Later, DeBrie can’t believe he turned it down. She runs off and ends up getting into a limo in front of a club with other party girls.
Tobias walks around, sad. He waits for her to come back. He drives to the model home to connect with Maeby and ends up walking into the sting (in his Thing costume).
Next on Arrested Development, Tobias gets arrested as a sex offender. His head goes through a window. “I just broke my head in a fourth place — the patio!”