Original Air Date: Apr 4, 2013
This is it, loft trolls—the moment we’ve all been waiting for. NICK AND JESS ARE GOING ON A DATE. But is it really a date if only one person knows what’s happening? And is Winston and Schmidt’s bromance really a bromance? If only relationships came as neatly labeled as the jars in that loft.
Labels are the name of the game tonight, as Nick and Jess can’t even figure out what to call their dinner, much less their relationship. Is it a date? Nick sure seems to think so. He even goes to Tran for advice, concluding that he should just tell Jess that he thinks she’s beautiful, he’s better for knowing her, and it would mean the world to him if they could go on a date. Nick Miller is America’s new TV boyfriend, and I do not hate it.
Unfortunately, Jess in a towel flusters Nick a little more than Tran on a park bench (not sure why). He can barely squeak out the word “food.” Jess agrees, but while she assumes they’re getting hot dogs on a corner, Nick is busy getting a Schmidt-sponsored wardrobe upgrade, also known as Schmidt’s main dream in life.
That dream is derailed when Schmidt realizes that he’s helping Nick seduce Jess. I thought he and Winston made peace with this relationship in Chicago, but apparently they’re still convinced that they’ll lose Nick when things go south. Fueled by a fear that their friendship is nothing without him, Schmidt and Winston decide to ruin Nick’s big date. Send in the shirtless singing hobo!
The homeless man in question, Outside Dave, agrees to go along with their plan in exchange for a sandwich and some TV time, but he barricades himself in their bathroom instead. The guys can’t call the authorities because they left the phone charger in the bathroom in an effort to bond (I love this show’s take on roommate life), so Schmidt slides in from the roof, and Outside Dave greets him by shaving his leg. When Winston comes to his rescue, the guys realize that they’ve had a solid friendship all along. It’s a weird message—of course they’re friends; remember the lionfish?—but a homeless man shaves Max Greenfield’s leg. I can’t complain.
Meanwhile, neither Jess nor Nick can admit that they WANT to call this a date. Things get more awkward when Russell shows up, pushing our favorite twosome back to their comfort zone: the bar. They have so much fun goofing off at the bar that they reinstate the date and take back their table, but the encounter with Russell starts to wear on them. They need to know how he sees them, but Russell’s more concerned with how they see themselves. Are Nick and Jess really on the same page?
Worried that they want different things, the roommates set middle school dance ground rules (three feet apart, no groping!). They manage to resist temptation for the rest of the night, even when Jess enlists Nick’s help with a tricky jar, which we know is a turn on for him. You know what else is a turn on? Nick Miller opening that jar, am I right? The sexual tension is killing me. They look so sad that they’re not making out! My heart can’t take too much more of this, but I can’t deny that I’m enjoying the torture. What about all of you?