The Vampire Diaries – Recap & Review – History Repeating

photo: cw

The Vampire Diaries
History Repeating

Original Air Date: Nov 12, 2009

Andi – Associate Staff Writer
andi@thetwocents.com

Hi, I’ll be your tour guide for this week’s Vampire Diaries. My name is Andi, and I have a very confusing love/hate relationship with this show, so bear with me here while I slog through the previouslies so I can get through this recap before I say something I’ll regret…

Previously on The Vampire Diaries: Stefan whined about his lot in life…err… unlife, rather; Damon was a very bad man; Damon was a very sexy man; Damon became my most favoritest ever; Elena was confused about everything, which she lamented about for hours and hours in her diary; and Bonnie discovered that not only is Jasmine Guy her Grandma, thus defying all laws of mathematics, but she’s also a witch, which defies all laws of physics. So, Bonnie = cool. Got that? Good, because now it’s on to…

Math class! Bonnie opts to take a nap instead of pay attention, presumably because witches with Grandmas who are barely old enough to be their moms don’t need no stinking math classes. She dreams that she’s following Emily Bennett (her witchy ancestor, you’ll remember) through the school and then the woods. Emily tells her, whilst standing among the ruins of a stone structure, of course, that this is where it started and this is where it must end. When Bonnie wakes up, she’s in a cemetery in the woods. Oops.

This show actually has a pretty cool title card.

Caroline and Elena pediconference on the way to school about how Caroline hates Bonnie now on account of Bonnie refusing to give back that fancy crystal pendant that Damon gave to Caroline. And that is so convoluted when you write it out. Sheesh. Anyway, Elena also lets us know that she and Stefan aren’t currently on speaking terms. Thanks for the recap, gals.

The new History teacher, a very cute man in a nice blue shirt, explains that his name is Alaric Saltzman. Get it? Do ya? Okay, I’ll explain: Alaric means “ruler of all” and was the name of the king of Visigoths, who sacked Rome in the 5th century. Also, it is very similar to the Latin alaris or alarus which means “consisting of auxiliary cavalry.” Saltzman means just what is sounds like – someone who processes or sells salt. Remember that salt has a long history in various religions as a symbol of purity and the Earth, used in holy cleansings and rites. Now you get it.

The Salvatore boys bicker a bit at each other about killing best friends and ruining each other’s lives. Damon even offers to go vegetarian for a week in apology for staking Lexi last week. Stefan isn’t having it though, which is pretty much expected, since he’s a big woeful goober.

Bonnie confesses to Elena that she thinks she’s being haunted by Emily Bennett, via the necklace, which was once hers. Also, she doesn’t want to embrace being a witch, like Grams wants, so she can’t get advice there. That’s just stupid and out of character. I reject your attempts at inner conflict, Show.

Jeremy has a meeting with Mr. Saltzman, who reveals himself to be cool in that way that TV teachers are when they totally have some ulterior motive. He also has a very noticeable ring that Jeremy comments on. It’s similar to the Salvatore rings, by the way, and Saltzman explains that it was his fathers. Ruh roh, I foresee some bad things here.

Caroline goes all teenager on Matt, telling him that now that they cuddled, he has to say more to her than, “Hey.” Or something. Matt, hilariously, is all, “I always say that to you and you’re being a lame teenage girl right now,” before walking away. I think I like Matt.

Stefan meets Elena to tell her that he has located his inner Edward Cullen and he’s backing off because it’s the right thing to do. This goes over about as well as one might expect, but since this is Elena, she just pouts and thanks him for telling her that he’s totally ditching her (!), and watches him walk away. What kind of a self-respecting girl does that?

Across the parking lot, Damon gives Bonnie one last chance to return the necklace and then he lays some cryptic shiznit on us. Apparently, Damon’s entirely aware of Emily stalking Bonnie in her sleep. He explains that he would like his necklace now, but he can wait for Emily to get it and bring it to him, which is a weird thing to say. He tells Bonnie, “A deal’s, a deal,” which makes no sense until the end of the episode.

Bonnie decides to be proactive and tosses the necklace out into the middle of a field. Huh. I don’t think that’s going to work. Meanwhile, Jeremy and Jenna eat and gossip about Saltzman and some other boring stuff that I don’t care about, so we’ll be skipping them entirely.

Elena appeals to Stefan about the necklace and how annoying Damon is and blah, blah, blah until Stefan agrees find out what the big deal is about the damn necklace.

Over at the Gilbert house, the girls stand around and bash their perfectly quaffed heads together over how the necklace ended up back in Bonnie’s bag.

Oh, God. I need a drink. Over in the bar, the McQueen kid gets the hell out of Dodge so his grandfather doesn’t spin around in his grave at his being a part of a scene in which the sentence, “I was wronged,” is used. I’m shuddering as I type this. So, anyway, Jenna and Saltzman make gross sexy eyes at each other.

Damon and Stefan play darts and trade jabs a little. It’s really uneventful. I’m bored already.

Meanwhile, the girls have decided to have a séance, which results in Bonnie freaking out (not cool, Bonnie, who is supposed to be cool) and throwing the necklace at the candles they’ve set in the circle. When they turn the lights back on, the necklace has vanished.

Damon and Stefan bond over football or some such crap until FINALLY they get to the damn point: Stefan asks what Damon wants with “Katherine’s crystal”; Damon wonders what makes him so sure it’s Katherine’s; Stefan says that he was, in fact, the last one to see Katherine, which makes Damon do that sexy gnashing of teeth thing he does; Damon simply says, “She didn’t tell you?”; Stefan points out that they were rather distracted, if you get my drift and I think that you do; Damon threatens Stefan because OMG no sex talk! And then Damon reveals that he’s going to bring Katherine back. Holy crap. No good will come of this. Nicely played, Show. I didn’t see that coming.

Speaking of no good… Bonnie gets herself possessed by Emily, which is, you know, a great way to spend an evening.

Over at the Salvatore Summit, Damon explains that Emily actually did some hoodoo or something to seal Katherine in a tomb under the church and that the necklace is a key factor in getting her out and reviving her. Also, he’s not killing Bonnie for the necklace because he made a deal with Emily to do the hoodoo that she do in exchange for his assurance that her family line would continue. So there’s the deal we mentioned earlier.

Elena grows a brainstem and realizes that Bonnie is actually Emily just as Bemily bails on the slumber party. She says, “I won’t let him have it. It must be destroyed,” before she leaves, so I guess Emily’s not a Katherine fan. Elena calls Stefan to plead for help, but Damon’s there too and he motors on over to the old cemetery before Stefan’s even hung up the phone.

Is this over yet? I’m totally bored.

Jenna brings Saltzman home and he stays on the porch a moment like maybe he has to be invited, which is either a little misdirection or he’s another friendly neighborhood vampire. In the end, Jenna doesn’t invite him in on account of Jeremy’s home, so no slutting it up tonight. Jeremy, meanwhile, is researching his extra credit assignment by looking through family history stuff from the closet, which is exactly what Saltzman is looking for, I’m sure.

Bemily beats Damon up for a minute and then explains to Stefan (when he finally gets there) that she had to save everyone in the church, not just Katherine. Damon, of course, wants to release them all and unleash some sweet, sweet revenge on the town for “killing” the 27 vampires all those years ago, which is a little crazy, I admit. Damon is a hot, hot mess.

Bemily destroys the necklace, which sends Damon into an attack of the crazies, and he bites her until Stefan pulls him away. Stefan, always the do-gooder, heals Bonnie (Emily seems to have left the building). Elena, who just showed up, states the obvious about how she’s healing and seriously? The dialogue on this show, when it’s anyone other than Damon speaking (and that’s more about delivery than writing) is so painful that it’s soul-eating.

Damon confesses that he really loved Katherine and that he’ll go ahead and leave now that his endgame was foiled. The rest of the episode is mushy stuff involving Stefan saying he’s really leaving now too, Matt and Caroline becoming BFFs, Damon mourning Katherine, Stefan throwing around his journals, Elena crying about her vampire boyfriend, and Logan showing up on the porch, looking for an invite.

Does anyone else feel like this show takes twelve hours to watch? Leave me your two cents in the box below and I promise, your regular recapper will return next week, otherwise, I may keep her hostage and torture you with these recaps.