Merlin – Recap & Review – Le Morte D’Arthur

photo: nbc

Merlin
Le Morte d’Arthur

Original Air Date: August 23, 2009

Andi – Associate Staff Writer
andi@thetwocents.com

A Questing Beast shows up and creates drama, Uther cries a little, Arthur dies a little, Gaius gets self-sacrificial a little, and Merlin shows everyone how funky strong is his fight.

I have no idea why I’m compelled to quote MJ songs, but I am, so roll with it. Here we go… Oh, and since this is the last you’ll hear from me for who knows how long (unless you watch True Blood or Friday Night Lights, which I also recap), this recap is double sized for your reading pleasure.

There appears to be some kind of hunting party (complete with bright red Superman capes) slinking with absolutely no grace or silence through the forest. The only two people not dressed like Superman are Merlin and Arthur because they’re too good for this shiznit.

They bicker at each other like lovers do, and Arthur (presumably because he’s blond) gets to play the girl from every horror movie ever and say that one stupid thing that is then immediately proven false. “It’s probably more scared of you than you are of it,” he says. And out pops a giant snake/leopard/lion that we know as the Questing Beast and it ain’t scared of nobody. Merlin and Arthur and all those Supermans back there just kind of go AHHHH! A MONSTER!. Naturally, they all run away like little wussies.

Once we’re back from the credits and the supporting cast has all been gathered, Gaius does us a solid and explains the sitch. The creature is, in fact, a Questing Beast. Its presence is said to portend no good, terrible, really bad times. Uther, who appears to have upgraded his status to not only King of Camelot, but also King of Denial, is all, “Pssht. Nope. That’s not true.” Gaius simply looks at him. I think we call that expression disgust, Gaius, you should be used to it by now.

Arthur puts an end to their stare-off by pointing out that it doesn’t matter what it is, it’s scaring the hell out of the women and children and Merlin, so can we please be making a plan now? Uther, because he’s still dumb as a box of rocks, turns to Arthur and makes the same request of him that he always makes: “No one wants to be defeated. It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right, just beat it.” (Oh, I deserve the stocks for that one, yes I do.)

Anyway, Gaius begs Uther not to dismiss this and that he’s seen the omen of doom and danger and Pendragon death (Spoiler!) before – on the night Uther’s baby mama went to the big roundtable in the sky. Uther’s all, “ZOMG! We pinky swore not to talk about it!” Gaius doesn’t drop it, so Uther scullys that he does not believe in such silly things as omens, despite all proof to the contrary. End of conversation!

Gaius takes his fight up with Merlin and explains that one bite from a Questing Beast and you will die, because there is no cure. None at all. Ever. Except that there totally is, it’s just really annoying to be around, can’t act, and calls itself Nimueh. Ooops, was that a spoiler?

Over in Morgana’s chambers, she has a bad dream about bad things happening to everyone. She jolts awake in bed and Gwen is right there to comfort her. Excellent maid, this girl.

Arthur’s in the courtyard, speechifying at his men, saying such things as, “For the love of Camelot!” But sadly not, “For the love of Merlin.” And out of nowhere, Morgana comes screeching into the courtyard, bellowing, arms akimbo, clothes half on, yelling at Arthur not to go after the beast because of the doom and destruction and death. Arthur looks rather concerned and Merlin looks knowingly worried and the guards drag her Banshee ass back into the castle.

Then they all ride out and get their butts handed to them. A claw whacks Arthur and he’s out for the count. Merlin magics the sword like he did for Lancelot that one time with the Gryphon, and then levitates it right into the Questing Beast’s jugular. Sweet!

Merlin finds his way to Arthur’s side and then freaks the hell out, calling or help!

Back at Gaius’ chambers, they spread the poor fallen prince out on a table and Gaius concludes that he’s been bitten, but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t, so I’m going to review that scene. Please hold the line…Rewiiiiiind… Nope, definitely a claw that got him. Diagnosis fail, Gaius! Merlin and his ears get about eighty kinds of grief-stricken and panicked and start freaking out about his Great Big, Possibly Gay Destiny being unfulfilled, ZOMG! He’s seriously so very a-twitter that he pulls out his Magic For Dummies book even though the king is due any minute. He frantically tries some spells, but they don’t work. Gaius is all, “Told ya so.”

Uther shows up and now everyone is CAPSLOCK FREAKING OUT! He picks Arthur up and carries him across the courtyard, headed to the prince’s own chambers (why, I’m not clear), but he’s so distraught and old and craggy that he doesn’t make it; halfway there, Uther crumples in a weeping heap. And I say, “GOOD!” This is your fault. What kind of a king sends his only heir out to be on the front line of every single battle there is, especially these insane, impossible ones? Such a dumbass. Giles would never have done that.

Merlin rushes into the Chamber of Secrets to get some advice from The Dragon, who tells him that he has to use Old Skool Mad Magick Skillz to save Arthur and his Great Big, Possibly Gay Destiny. He must travel to the Isle of the Blessed and find the annoying one who has the annoying power over life and death. Merlin turns to leave, but The Dragon says, “The young Pendragon must live, no matter what the cost.” And Merlin’s like, “Duh! We haven’t even made out yet!”

Merlin stops by the house to pack a bag, but when he tells Gaius of his plan, Gaius CAPSLOCK FREAKS OUT about it. Merlin b’zuh?’s at him and yes, I do like to make up my own rules of punctuation and grammar, why do you ask? Anyway, Gaius explains that whomever Merlin meets in the Isle of the Blessed will demand a life in return for saving Arthur’s. He knows this, as you’ll certainly recall, because that was how Arthur came into being in the first place. Merlin stoics at him that he will pay whatever price is asked of him.

Out in the much-used courtyard, Merlin is getting ready to go and Gaius is saying goodbye and whatnot. He gives Merlin a rabbit’s foot for luck and, because it was his mommy’s back in the day, I am going to assume that it’s actually good luck and not some silly trinket one might buy at Ye Olde Gift Shoppe, since Gaius has that super secret history of ambiguous magical knowledge an all. They say goodbye and good luck and see you later.

Over in the Chamber of Dying Princes, Arthur is still dying.

While Merlin travels through some country that is absolutely not England, much like all of the scenic shots on this show, Gaius slumbers at Arthur’s side. Gwen wakes him and tells him to get some sleep in a bed; she’ll stay with Arthur. Oh, she’ll stay with him all right. The little backstabber totally salts Merlin’s game by tenderly telling Arthur that the only thing that keeps her going is her faith in him and his ability to grow up and be a badass king of legends and she kisses his hand and gets all woeful. WTF Gwen? I thought Merlin was your pal! And what about Morgana? Clearly, there’s something unresolved there. Whatever happened to bros before hoes? The slut’s officially dead to me.

In The Courtyard That I Wish They Wouldn’t Use So Damn Much, a whole bunch of people are holding a candlelight vigil for our dear, felled prince.

Merlin makes it to the Isle of Annoying People Who Totally Helped Ruin That Doctor Who Special. Nimueh blathers on at him about how someone’s life must be taken for Arthur’s to be restored and he offers his own, of course, because he’s Merlin. Nimueh gives him super special water from a super special cup that will heal Arthur.

He rushes back to the castle with his little vial of magic water from the magic cup and against Gaius’ better judgment, they feed the water to Prince Dead and Dying. Uther interrupts and angrily demands to know what Gaius is doing because Gaius is the court physician and clearly has no business tending to his deathly ill son. What the eff ever, show. That was just entirely lazy writing. Why do you do this to me?

Anyway, they leave the king with his son. Out in the corridor, Morgana grabs a hold of Merlin and tells him to beware because this is only the beginning. He jerks away and keeps walking, which is a little weird, but I guess he’s probably in a bad mood having just traded his life for Arthur’s. That would tend to rain on one’s parade.

Sometime later, Gaius and Uther are watching over Arthur when Arthur wakes up all, “Whoa, crazy dream, dudes.”

Merlin’s pacing a hole in Gaius’ floorboards, but stops to rejoice when Gaius returns to tell him the good news. But then they are very sad, as they know what this means for Merlin. Or do they?

Uther and Arthur talk of guardian angels and how necessary they are to being king, when in walks Gwen and yes, I see what you did thar. Anyway, Arthur tells her he remembers what she said to him while he was unconscious (does this mean he remembers Merlin trying to magic him better?). She tries to pretend she didn’t, but it’s no use, he’s on to her.

Meanwhile, Merlin waits for his death, but instead he gets a surprise visit from his deathly ill mummy. Hahaha! I love when these things backfire on people. They also make it a point to show us that Merlin is still holding his rabbit’s foot, so I’m going to take that as proof that I was right and it is actually lucky.

He CAPSLOCK FREAKS OUT all the way down to the Chamber of Secrets to have a little come to Jesus meeting with The Dragon. Merlin accuses him of intentionally deceiving him into this mess and The Dragon pretty much says that he did for the lulz and for his own future. You see, the sooner Merlin can get a seat at Arthur’s table, the sooner The Dragon gets sprung from maximum-security lock down. Merlin’s all, “ZOMG I hate you and you’re never getting free!” The Dragon screams and screams some more.

Merlin goes home and shows extraordinarily bad judgment by stating that he’s going to go back and find the Annoying One and re-trade himself to save his mom. His reasoning? His powers mean nothing if he can’t save her. I hate to be Jenny Raincloud here, but that’s a pile horse manure and doesn’t make any sense at all. I get that you’re emotional about this, but your attempt at rationalization epically fails. Oh, writers, don’t fail me now!

Before he sets out, however, he has to say goodbye to Arthur. Arthur is looking quite spry and seems to have regained his sarcasm, which I am happy to see, but Merlin somehow doesn’t pick up on very well. He’s all SRS BZNS (with the exception of the part where he calls Arthur a royal prat one last time, sniff) and says his cryptic goodbye, which is actually not unlike what Gwen said to Arthur earlier. Arthur is left kind of gaping at the door like he’s really unclear on what just happened.

The Backstabber Who Shall Not Be Named is watching over Hunith when Merlin comes in to say goodbye. Merlin tells her she has such a good heart, but that’s only because he doesn’t know she’s making a move on his man. So, he says bye to his mom, gives her the rabbit’s foot, and we move on to…

Merlin finding a note that Gaius left. Basically it says: “You’re awesome and always remind me of how much I suck at life because you’re so awesome and so I’m taking your place and trading myself for your mom and don’t come looking for me.”

Touching.

Merlin makes for the lake and gets there just in time to save the day and kill Nimueh.

What? Too generic? Oh, all right, but we’re making it fast:

Morgana looks like crap while she watches Merlin ride away and I don’t think she’s getting much sleep lately. Gaius talks to the Annoying One about all his past offenses and being a big fat traitor. She taunts him and I want to smack that phony smirk off her face. Gaius strikes a deal to save Merlin and Hunith because Merlin can bring magic back to the land and she should totally want that, so what the hell is her problem. She doesn’t have one, she decides, still smirking like the psycho hooker she is. Merlin shows up just in time to see Gaius in a heap on the ground and She of the Annoying Smirks standing over him. He gets all pissy and she tries to tell him they should be best friends and bring Arthur to power, but Merlin gets possessive and exclaims that he will do it himself, thankyouverymuch. Then they fight with their magic or whatever and she dies, thank the gods of the old religion and Godric Gryffindor and Saint Peter and the Lords of Kobol and who the hell else. I don’t actually care so long as I never have to look at her again. Then Gaius wakes up because the universe is just as happy as I am that she’s dead and takes her life instead of Gaius’. His mom’s all better, too.

Well, kids, it was fun! I can’t wait until next summer. I hope I get to see you all around here for other recaps! Mwuah!