True Blood – Recap & Review – Release Me

photo: hbo

True Blood
Release Me

Original Air Date: August 2, 2009

Andi – Sr. Reviewer
andi@thetwocents.com

This week in Bon Temps, Sam doesn’t care if you are a girl, he will hit you in the mouth; Maryann is still weird and boring; Tara starts to do the math; and Andy Bellefleur runs around awesomely shouting, “PIG!” Meanwhile, Dallas gets a dose of the Stackhouses and the chaos that seems to follow them; Lorena reveals that she may just be awesome; Bill gets even more frustrating; And Jessica and Hoyt continue to be adorable and more watchable than any of the other couples on this show.

PIG! Don’t you guys love how he says that? I could watch him flounder about yelling, “PIG!” for hours. Seriously. Anyway, Andy’s chasing the pig otherwise known as Daphne through the underbrush when he happens upon the orgy-slash-sacrifice. Shocked, he fires a round into the dirt, which snaps everyone out of their gyrating and moaning, and gives Sam the opportunity to break free and run for it. Maryann chases him, but he shifts into an owl and makes for the skies. She’s less than thrilled.

Over at the bar, he pulls a shiny automatic from its hiding place in the chimney and looks at it for a minute, like he’s not from Texas and has moral issues involving guns. Uhm, writers? Sam probably doesn’t feel uncomfortable with a gun, just sayin’.

Out in the bar, Andy (who interrupted Terry while he was zombified and got his arm broken for his trouble) has come over from disastrously giving his statement to a disbelieving Bud. Andy shouts and sputters and yells about how everyone was kinky, nasty, zombies, but everyone just thinks he’s drunk. Except Sam, of course.

Later, Sam finds Daphne on the dock of what I think must be the Pond of Exposition because she goes on and on (at gunpoint for some of it) about Maryann being a Maenad and how wonderful she is and how she’s all about excess and indulgence and zzzzz. Sam doesn’t want what she’s selling and punches her right in her lying, pouting, expository mouth. It’s awesome. Then he storms off for parts and things unknown to us yet.

Tara and Eggs wake up on the couch, unable to remember the night before. Eggs blames it on the joint they smoked, but Tara’s not so certain. Maryann comes in, filthy and covered in blood, a dead rabbit in her hand, jabbering about sleeping outside and convening with nature and who the hell cares? And, yes, if I wanted to I could go on and on about Maryann being a metaphor for American society and our own penchant to blindly follow in order to feel good and satisfy all the wrong needs/desires in ourselves and blah blah blah. But that would be annoying and you don’t need it beaten over your head more than it already is. See? I’m looking out for you.

At work that day, Tara hears from Arlene that she can’t remember her night either and our girl Tara starts to add it all up. That’s when Andy storms in looking for Terry and calling everyone zombies.

Maryann, for her part, waits until the end of the episode, commandeers Eggs, zombifies him, and has him stab Daphne in the ribs. Bye, Daphne.

Jason and Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah cuddle and coo and are generally gross. She jumps up all hopped up on her post sex high and demands that they confess to Steve what they’ve done. Jason manages to convince her that just before the lock in is not the right time and that God should come first.

He, of course, high tails it back to his room, packs his crap, and makes for the exits, but Steve and Gabe grab him before he can taste fresh, cult-free air. They threaten him and yell at him and it quickly becomes apparent to Jason (because we all know they’re not there about Sarah) that they’re angry about something that doesn’t have to do with his extracurricular activities involving the preacher’s wife.

At knifepoint, Gabe drags him into the woods, insults his sister and then gets his ass handed to him because Jason is the only one allowed to insult his sister. Jason makes a run for it only to find Sarah in that trumped up Jeep. She shoots him and we all know it’s with a paintball gun, so there is no suspense whatsoever, but nice try True Blood.

Hoyt and Jessica are still squirreled away in her room at the hotel, making out and talking about being virgins and being so bloody adorable I’m absolutely certain that if you listened hard enough, you could hear the Awww that every single viewer uttered when these two appeared on screen. Anyway, Hoyt puts up candles and roses and is just plain awesome so their first time can be special.

Eric and Isabel stand watch outside the church and have a great conversation about what it’s like to be with a human. Isabel calls him out on his interest in Sookie, which he denies, which is actually totally fair of his character. Thanks for the bone, writers. Next time, throw me a few more, yeah? Anyway, Eric is unimpressed by the Fellowship, but unwilling to barge in. Isabel points out that if Hugo were alarmed, she’d have felt it, so now we know for certain Hugo is the traitor.

When they get back to the hotel, still unaware that there is a problem inside the church, Eric accuses Stan of being the traitor (and I just realized that Stan is played by that guy from Eureka who’s way hot when not dressed like an urban cowboy) and informs him that he, Eric, will lay waste to everything if Godric is killed and if Stan is at fault, he’ll show no mercy. Well, that’s awfully dramatic of you, Eric Northman. Sheesh.

Bill, for his part, is trying to get out of his hotel room to rescue Sookie, but Lorena won’t let him because she’s jealous or something. I’m unclear on her motivation exactly, except that she told Eric she’d play along. (Which still annoys me because you’re skewering the characterizations, Mr. Ball. Change storylines and plot devices and backstories all you want, but please don’t rape the characters. Please?)

Anyway, they visit Flashback Land – this time to 1935 – and we are subjected to the break-up of Bill and Lorena and a whole bunch of angsty Saint Bill crap that I am so, so sick of. Please tell me I’m not the only one. It’s like they made him one part Edward Cullen, one part Louis de Pointe du Lac, one part Angel, and one part Arthur Dimmesdale, but somehow failed to include any of the actual Bill Compton character. And to top it all off, it doesn’t even make him interesting.

Sorry, putting away my soap box.

So, what was I saying? Oh, right. Lorena and Bill sit around and bitch at each other until she finally says, “It’s true. You’re in love. With a human. It’s so tragic, it’s funny.” And then she cracks the hell up because it is so tragic it’s funny. Also, that scene alone convinces me that she’s awesome.

Later, after more sitting and bitching, Barry knocks on the door and delivers Sookie’s distress call, which Eric overhears because he’s in the room across the hall. There’s an Eric!Zoom, as he rushes off to save Godric and Sookie, and a Barry!Swish, as he’s yanked inside by Lorena.

Sookie is locked in the basement of the Fellowship church in some kind of storage area. Hugo starts to go on about being claustrophobic and she tries to help by being logical. Oh, look, she’s being Sookie-like. And Stephen Moyer is nowhere to be found. How very coincidental. Anyway, she determines that the Newlins knew who they were from the get-go, so there must be a traitor in Godric’s camp. Is there anyone who didn’t pin Hugo to the crime, like, years ago? Aside from Eric, I mean.

The Reverend shows up and he and Sookie talk at each other for a bit until Hugo tells them their real names and Steve and Gabe go, “OMG! STACKHOUSE!” They run off to get Jason. Then, awesomely, Sookie tells Hugo to “shut the fuck up” while she tries to contact Barry via telepathy.

While trying to get him to chillax, she touches him, which allows her to see inside his head to his deep, dark secret about how he’s working with the Newlins. Are you all surprised? No? Yeah, me either.

After a while, Gabe comes storming in, all beaten from his confrontation with Jason, knocks out Hugo, and attacks Sookie. He’s pulling off clothes and yelling and she’s screaming and it’s actually pretty horrible. But out of nowhere, Gabe gets yanked off of her and there’s Godric, holding the bad man up by the scruff of his neck. YAY! I can’t wait to see what this character is all about.

The friggen end. Please drop me two cents, so I can buy my way out of this Bill-is-so-wronged-and-such-a-saint stupor. He had better fall extremely hard and extremely fast because between him and Maryann, I’ve never been so bored and annoyed in my life.