photo: hbo
Hard-Hearted Hannah
Original Air Date: July 26, 2009
Andi – Sr. Reviewer
andi@thetwocents.com
Holy bull-headed beastie Batman! If you thought last week’s episode was boring (*points to self*), this week makes up for it. Sookie gets nabbed, Eric’s character gets defiled further, Bill gets gross, this incredibly boring orgy storyline gets closer to being over, and Terry and Lafayette just get closer. A bunch of other stuff happens too, but it was too much to fit in the introductory paragraph, so batten down the hatches…
What? I can’t randomly throw in a pirate reference?
Anyway, we start out with an establishing shot of the Hotel Carmilla in case you forgot where the Bon Temps delegation of the Find Godric Movement is staying while in Dallas. Inside, Eric is feeding on some woman and looking incredibly bored. I think he may even be watching TV, which is hilarious and weird. When Lorena shows up, they have a little conversation in which Eric reveals that he called for her in order to help break up Sookie and Bill because he wants Sookie. (FYI, Eric did no such thing in the books and I’m annoyed with the writers for demonizing him yet again when it’s just entirely uncalled for.) Lorena agrees to play along, but not before she reveals to us that she’s always had a thing for Edward Cullen:
In the land of Flashback, it’s currently 1926 and Bill and Lorena are wild, piano playing, prohibition fucking, roll playing swingers who torture and maim their food before they eat them. Then they get a kick out of rolling around in all that spilt blood and screwing each other senseless. That Bill, you guys, he’s such a winner.
Upstairs, Bill and Sookie get a visit from Isabel (and, yes, I did misspell her name last week) and her human lover Hugo. Isabel thinks it would be wise for Hugo to pretend to be Sookie’s fiancé when she goes poking around the Fellowship of the Sun because 1) a couple looking for a church to get married in is a better cover and 2) conservative religious fanatics like boys better than girls. They all decide Isabel is the smartest ever.
Upstairs and in the other room, Jessica wakes up to no messages from Hoyt and pouts and makes like she might do something to defy daddy again just for the hell of it, when Hoyt shows up with apologies and flowers and explanations. (His momma turned off his cell because she doesn’t like Hoyt’s indecent girlfriend, to which he tells her that Jessica is a vampire and demands that she fix his damn phone right the hell now! Go Hoyt!) They kiss and I have nothing snarky to say about it because it’s adorable and I hope they get their own show.
The next day, Sookie and Hugo talk about human/vampire relationships and Zzzzzzzzz. They get over to the Fellowship church and both of the Newlins take them on a tour and as the day progresses, Sookie starts to get worried about some of the things she hears in the reverend’s head. And, yep, then he and Gabe drag Sookie and Hugo off to the scary church basement of unknown horribleness.
While that’s happening, Lorena sexually assaults Bill and because she’s his maker, he can do nothing about it, though I wonder if he even wants to. I still hate that they have Eric instigating this. That’s so below Eric that it’s not even funny. If they were even trying to maintain his original character continuity, Eric would wait patiently until there was a weak spot in Bill and Sookie’s relationship and then try to land her himself. This business with finding another person to take the competition away is cheap and gross. I reject your characterization, Alan Ball.
At Jason’s scary cult, Jason is awkward and guilty because of his recent hand job from Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah, but Rev. Newlin’s got bigger fish to fry. Okay, he’s got bigger vampire’s to fry, and sets Jason and Luke to work on a big wooden cross to burn on the lawns of… oops, I meant to tie vampire’s too so they can execute them at sunrise. Sarah and Jason aren’t totally on board, but keep their mouths shut for obvious reasons.
Later, after an invigorating talk about sin with Luke, Jason find Sarah crying inside the chapel (she’s horrified by the kidnapping of Sookie and Hugo and by the giant crosses of execution) and she uses her superior brain power to convince him that they should tear each others’ clothes off right then and there. Poor, dumb Jason cannot even argue. Who wins the pool? I can’t remember who guessed which episode. D’oh! Also, I bet Jason’s going to feel spectacularly terrible when he finds out his sister is somewhere below him as he gets naked with one of her captors.
Over at the house formerly known as Sookie’s, Maryann is having a tantrum to end all tantrums over the fact that the water heater is broken and she can’t have a hot shower. Tara and Eggs head off to get a new part, but on the way he has a monster case of déjà vu and they find themselves tromping through the forest because he swears he’s been there before. Eventually, they come upon an odd arrangement of stones and some discarded clothes and a rock with about five to six gallons of blood spilt across it. Eggs has a minor breakdown over the fact that he can’t remember why he’s been to this place before. They head home without the much-needed water pump, which is probably grounds for beheading as far as Maryann is concerned.
But when they return, everyone is out back polluting Gran’s yard with their weird, demon-eyed, zombie sex, while Maryann does her vibrating thing and Karl stands around unaffected by her special brand of crazy magic. And then they join in too. I hate this storyline.
Over at Merlotte’s, Pam pays Lafayette a visit and informs him that he’s to start selling V again, as per Eric’s instructions, but she gives us no explanations. Then, Andy Bellefleur stops by to harass Lafayette about where he’s been and if he killed Miss Jeanette. He starts yelling and demanding and Lafayette’s holding his own until Andy threatens jail. This is when Lafayette’s PTSD kicks in and he freaks the hell out. He hallucinates Eric yellig at him (Skarsgard does an incredible job if emulating that puffy-lipped, squinty-eyed thing that Bauer does.) Poor guy gets the shakes and panics and cowers in a corner until Terry walks in and hands Andy a heaping plate of verbal ass whooping. Terry grabs on to Lafayette and hugs him and helps talk him down and it’s incredibly sad and touching. I suggest these two join Jessica and Hoyt on their show. Without Sookie and Bill and this tired Maryann storyline to drag them down, it might be the best show ever.
Elsewhere in Bon Temps, Sam and Daphne are pretending to be kinky billiard balls and it’s kind of oddly sweet, but I know what her game is, so it’s not sweet at all, darn it. They talk and we learn that she’s a big advocator of truthiness and that she has no idea where those scars on her back came from. Her story is tight like spandex.
The next day, Sam and Daphne go out for a run and her default shift is into a pig. Oh, you guys, I knew it. Kinda. Anyway, she leads him into the woods where… wait for it… wait for it… yep, they come to the place where Maryann is holding her ritual or whatever it is. I know, we’re all so very surprised by this devel… snooooore… Oh, did I doze off? Sorry. I meant, OMG!
So, Daphne takes her place behind Maryann and places a big bull-shaped mask on Maryann, while some guys grab Sam and Karl walks up with a big, pretty knife. Sam is not excited about this development.
The End.
Wow, guys, this was a busy episode. So much to say and do! Leave me your two cents so I can buy more of these two cents “jokes.”
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