True Blood – Recap & Review – Never Let Me Go

photo: hbo

True Blood
Never Let Me Go

Original Air Date: July 12, 2009

Andi – Senior Reviewer
andi@thetwocents.com

A few things happen on this week’s True Blood. No, I’m not being ironic; a few things happen. Eric reveals that Godric is his maker and has a flashback, Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah feels up Jason, Daphne is a shifter, and Lorena shows up right at the end. And the best part? There wasn’t even a single orgy! Ah, but what filled the other forty minutes, you ask? Not much.

We open on Daphne leading Sam through the Stackhouse yard, shedding her clothes as she goes. Sam catches up with her, but it’s not Daphne he finds, it’s a deer – a deer that is Daphne. Sam has what appears to be a heart attack at this revelation, but Daphne’s just happy to be around others like her. They spend some quality time making out, as we will learn they are wont to do.

Then Arlene and Terry show up and everyone’s awkward because that’s what happens when you run into your boss at an orgy.

The next day at Merlotte’s, Lafayette swings by and gets his job back, but is scarred for life after that that whole Fangtasia basement debacle. This scene is possibly one of my favorites of the season – subtle and calm, but heartbreaking; this is the moment that Lafayette as we knew him dies, it’s the moment the new Lafayette steps into the world. Nelson Ellis and Sam Trammel are so good on their own, but together they can sell the hell out of a scene.

Later, Sam and Daphne make out some more. Moving on…

Over in Dallas, Sookie is chasing after Barry the Bellboy trying to make friends and start a telepathic friends network or something, but Barry just wants her to scram. After much angry dialogue, Barry finally manages to escape. Sookie scoffs and stomps back to her room, where she finds Bill scolding Jessica for ordering her studly snack. Jessica points out that: “He was on the menu!” Which is a really good point, but Bill’s not convinced so she teens at him about eating disorders and, you guys, I love this girl! Then she storms off to her room, as is her way.

Unfortunately, what follows is the first of about eighty-seven ridiculous Bill and Sookie smoochy-face, you complete me, can’t live without you, let’s always show our affection through melodramatic declarations and sex scenes. None of them are worth recapping – they’re that painful. Just mentally insert one after every paragraph of this recap and you’re on track.

We get one very short and adorable scene in which Jessica calls Hoyt and they act bashful and Hoyt entertains her by reading her his comic book. Can we please have more of these sweet, unforced, hopeful and honest scenes instead of this tortured love story of Bill and Sookie’s that feels like someone is feeding a raw potato through a broken juicer? Please?

Sookie makes about nine more attempts to corner and convince Barry that they should be BFFs, but he’s not having any of it.

At some point, the Bon Temps delegation of the Find Godric Movement meets with vampires Stan and Isabelle and they all yell at each other and argue like siblings (which they probably are) over how to go about saving Godric.

Bill manages to catch Eric alone and after some prodding about why Eric is so on edge and upset, we take a trip to Flashback Land:

About a thousand years ago, Eric was mortally wounded while plundering and pillaging and conquering or whatever it was his particular band of Vikings did. His men, who appear to greatly respect him, set up camp and stay with him, refusing to abandon him to the wolves. Then some young tattooed fellow shows up and kills the men, tells Eric he’s a BAMF and fights like a rock star, then bites him.

In present day, Eric looks horribly vulnerable and a little stressed out and admits to Bill that Godric is his dad. I want to hug him, poor guy. Vikings should never look that lost!

Then everyone is yelling again until Sookie tells them all to shut the hell up. She’s got a plan, you see. She’s going to go to the Fellowship of the Sun as a potential new member, listen around a bit, and return with the information. Simple recon mission. But Bill’s being a mother hen and gets defensive until Stan storms off, refusing to be a part of these cock and bull rescue ops. Eric deems the plan a go. Bill’s SOL.

In bed, Sookie gives Bill a pep talk about how he’s not like those bickering, meanie vampires and that he’s capable of love, which they are not. Wow, Sookie, Queen of Thou Shall Not Judge Because You Never Know What A Person Is Really Like and President of Acceptance For All Everyone And Everybody. I am so glad you’re around to make these kind of judgment calls for us. Do you mean that only the vampires you like are capable of higher emotional functions? Could you maybe detail out a graph for me because I’m confused about your stance on this.

Our boy Jason is busy too. It seems he’s suffering for man’s sins in Jesus boot camp or whatever. Some bald guy, who we later learn is called Gabe, drags everyone out at the break of dawn and starts yelling about push-ups and vampires and frothing at the mouth. The Soldiers of the Sun (sorry about my mistake last week; it’s not Warriors, it’s Soldiers), start running the paces but Luke sucks at the fence-climbing portion, so Jason gets his savior on and helps the poor bastard over the fence.

Later, Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah and Reverend Steve argue about something we’re not privy to, he makes a divorce joke, and she sneaks off to give Jason a hand job. Oh, and she makes a Mary Magdalene reference, of course, because Jason is her Jesus or whatever. (But at least she got the part about Mary not actually being a prostitute right.)

So, is it not cheating if the interlocking parts don’t interlock? I’m pretty sure there’s a mention of adultery in that bible you love so much, Sarah. At least I think so. Maybe it’s an obscure reference. You know, like that little mention of Moses or that little known tale of those people called Adam and Eve.

Back in Bon Temps, Tara wakes up in bed (Sookie’s bed!) with Eggs and leans over to listen for a heartbeat, which, just, really? I’m not even going to try and analyze that one. Anyway, she finds Maryann in the kitchen with breakfast for seventeen all laid out and the crazy idea that she can move in with Tara. At Sookie’s house. Without asking Sookie. How about no, you psycho creature?

Tara has a chat with Eggs about the nature of family and somehow it undoes all of the nature of family stuff that she learned from The Worst Photoshopped Picture Ever. Sigh.

It turns out that Maryann was just house sitting in that mansion, which makes her the worst house sitter ever (but she’s probably lying anyway). She and Tara might just be made for each other after all. Anyway, she needs a new place. Tara points out that this is Sookie’s house and that she cannot stay. So, Maryann, being up to no good at all, does some of her mojo while Tara’s at work and makes everyone harp and holler at the poor girl. When she sees Maryann later, Tara tells her that she’ll talk to Sookie and make it so they can all stay together. And, you guys, I think Maryann is wearing Gran’s clothes while she sits there reading that book called Heart Sick, which is not only horrible but also really unsubtle.

And the last scene is one of the eighty-seven ridiculous smoochy-face, you complete me, can’t… aw, you get the idea. But instead of subjecting us to more of it, they cut away to show Lorena walking down the hallway and overhearing Bill and Sookie have sex. She looks less than pleased and we end on her teeth popping out menacingly.

Did anyone else feel like this episode moved like molasses? Was I the only one waiting for something to happen that wasn’t totally expected or mundane? Tell me I’m not alone in this! Share your two cents, God knows I’ve shared mine.