True Blood – Recap & Review – Shake and Fingerpop

photo: hbo

True Blood
Shake and Fingerpop

Original Air Date: July 12, 2009

Andi – Sr. Reviewer
andi@thetwocents.com

You know, for a tiny hick town without so much as a WalMart, Bon Temps is a hoppin’ place. It is also highly educational and full of interesting facts. For example, I had no idea that orgies included food fights, boxing and eating dirt – literally. I was also unaware that the argument over whom the first vampire was is deadlocked between Cain and Lazarus, or that Europe’s lack of divine smiting is proof that evil goes unpunished. Jeez, this episode was an existential train wreck. In the best way possible, of course.

So, Jason is busy being That One Guy everyone hates because he kisses ass better than you. Of course, that makes him unpopular and the other kids decide to play a trick on him they learned from watching The Parent Trap or something. Luke jumps on him and pretends to bite him while everyone else lies around covered in ketchup, holding their breaths and playing dead. Jason is displeased and ferociously rips off his clip-on tie to better orate at them about how that was so totally not funny. Oh, but first he breaks Luke’s nose because the little jerk had it coming.

Still, the boys put aside their differences long enough to have lunch together the next day. And there follows the most ridiculous conversation ever over who was the first vampire – Lazarus, Cain or Jesus (which is absurd because everyone knows they were zombies), and the origins of evil (Eve according to Luke), and then Jason teaches us all that we’ve been saying it wrong for centuries – it’s “premedicated” evil not premeditated.

Later, he’s treated to dinner and a strip tease by the Newlins… okay, well, he imagines the strip tease, but Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah isn’t exactly keeping her distance either. And tell me if I’m crazy, but does it seem to you guys like Rev. Newlin’s got the hots for Jason too? I can’t be the only one getting that vibe, can I?

Anyway, Jason manages to have excellent aim and great abs, so the Newlins offer him a position as a Warrior of the Sun and I could really make some kind of Apollo joke here, but the Battlestar Galactica lover in me is objecting, so you’ll have to supply your own funny here. As an added bonus to becoming a WotS, Jason gets to stay with the Newlins in their over decorated, Tuscan plastered, color matched, antiqued guest room. He’s stoked, but Luke and his cronies call the ball by pointing out that the Reverend’s wife must need a plaything. Jason, in his infinite stupidness insists that Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah isn’t that kind of girl. Say it with me, “Oh Jason.”

Elsewhere, Bill is having a fatherly meltdown at the sight of Jessicuh and Hoyt couch surfing. Sukeh attempts to be the voice of reason, but she’s small and dressed in only a t-shirt and her acting just keeps getting worse, so no one is paying any attention to her. After Hoyt is ejected from Bill’s abode and Jessicuh scampers off to her boudoir, Bill and Sukeh have a very weird conversational scene and I think I’ve figured it out! Paquin is really at her worst in scenes with Moyer. Maybe she’s nervous on screen with him? Maybe they’ve been having a spat? I don’t know what it is, but it’s irritating. She’s fine when interacting with Skarsgard and even with Trammel or Ellis, but throw in a low-key conversation with Moyer and it’s like she’s spoon feeding the man her half of the dialogue with a cleaver.

Sorry about that, but it had to be said. Moving on, nothing more to see here, I’ll put away this soapbox now.

Sookie and Sam have a fight about his decision to maybe possibly leave town and then she asks for a few days off, which she gets of course. So it’s off to Dallas aboard Anubis Airlines, the only way to fly undead.

The Comptons and Sookie arrive in Dallas and Sookie is promptly almost abducted. Turns out, The Fellowship of the Sun has hired the chauffer to kidnap whichever human is traveling with Bill, which is a big problem, naturally.

Bill teaches Jessica to glamour the would-be kidnapper and then calls Eric to whine at him a bit and then makes out with Sukeh. They are interrupted, which is new and wonderful because I just know I am not the only person who gets a little weirded out when there are Bill/Sookie (Moyer/Paquin rather) love scenes. These people really do this. I mean, probably without the fangs and the fake blood, but the rest of it is… I’m stopping now because it’s just uncomfortable.

Sookie stays in the room while Bill meets up with Eric in the bar. When Jessica orders a snack, Sookie meets Barry the Bellhop, who is also telepathic, but when he discovers that she is too, he runs away in what is, I’m sure, not the last display of heroic masculinity from dear Barry.

Back in Bon Temps, Sam and Daphne engage in a brisk synchronized swimming exercise and talk about life and people and small business ownership and Sam goes all bug-eyed at the sight of her crazy scars. But on the plus side, he’s lost his urge to run away, which is good because doggies who run away usually get hit by cars or eaten by coyotes.

The following evening, Tara’s momma swings by to drop off a birthday gift and Sam promises to get the gift to Tara (Maryann later tosses it in the bushes). Momma Thornton sure looks miserable, doesn’t she? Speaking of…

On the Tara front, she decides to move in with Sookie, which would be an excellent idea, but Sookie gives her The Worst Photoshopped Picture Ever that I forgot to point out when we saw it before. But, seriously, I thought it was just a one or two time deal and I was going to overlook it rather than point out how bad it is because I am nice like that. But then it became a fixture and a damn plot point and now I have to bring it up. You forced my hand, True Blood, you forced it.

Anyway, it’s Tara’s birthday and she discovers that Lafayette is back so she rushes over to check on him and to try and hang out, but he promptly kicks her out. She opts to lament her life in front of Sookie’s TV instead, which is actually really sad. But fear not, for Maryann isn’t about to just let her favorite ward go that easily. She and Eggs and Karl show up with presents and a wedding cake (don’t ask, I don’t know) and soon Sookie’s house, which she entrusted to her BFF and new roomie, is teeming with what appears to be the entire population of Bon Temps and possibly the surrounding county. Tara is a terrible roommate, just FYI.

Everything gets out of hand as expected and Maryann gives us only a little more to the puzzle: She’s added digging in the dirt to her vibrating routine and the partygoers take it a little further this time and decide to chow down on Sookie’s potting soil. Also, her mojo has prompted Sam to make out with Daphne and Daphne to tell Sam that she knows what he is. Ruh-roh!

Eric, meanwhile, makes a quick pit stop at Lafayette’s and defies all laws of physics by leaning through a fricken’ window. What the hell? Anyway, we finally get some honest to goodness Eric on this show when he offers to heal Lafayette because, as he tells Lafayette, “You obviously mean something to Sookie and what Sookie finds meaningful, I find curious.” Yay, Eric is being Eric-like! Well, more Eric-like anyway.

He gives Lafayette his blood to heal him, which sends Lafayette into paroxysms of dance and furniture humping. Eric looks completely unimpressed the entire time. Hee! Then he’s off to Dallas where he and Bill discuss Godric and why Eric is so concerned about him. Eric chalks it up to cautiousness over the abduction of one so old, but Bill still believes there’s more to it. And so do I!

And while all of these other things are going on, Andy Bellefluer’s been dashing drunkenly about town trying to solve this murder case. In his haphazard and mildly effective investigation we learn that Jeanette’s body has those same claw marks along her back, Andy’s had his badge revoked for drunkenness, and that no one believes poor Andy about that darn pig.

Phew, that was a weird episode to recap, if only because there was so much I didn’t want to skim over. How about you guys? Did you think this was one hell of an interesting installment, like I did? If you have two cents to share, do so here!