True Blood – Recap & Review – Scratches

photo: hbo

True Blood
Scratches

Original Air Date: June 28, 2009

Andi – Sr. Reviewer
andi@thetwocents.com

Bulls and vampires and Christians, oh my! Okay, well, bull-people-hybrid things, at least. Many things happen this week in Bon Temps and most of them are awesome. Bill yells at Sookie some more because she is totally wrong. Sookie openly opposes Eric, which turns him on. Jason tries to be a good guy and fails. Lafayette gets off the island. Tara wakes the heck up. And your recapper switches up the format.

To continue the Bill/Edward comparisons, we open on Bill driving obscenely fast down a shifty country road while he overreacts, but is totally right about how stupid it was of Sookie to take Jessica to see her family. Sookie makes lame excuses that have nothing to do with anything other than her emotional issues, and Jessica weeps in the back seat because she really is just confused and scared after all.

But Sookie does not want any part of Bill’s manic episode, so she demands he pull over, gets out of the car, and starts walking her ass home. This is where we meet the bull-person-hybrid thing, which may or may not be a minion of our resident maenad or the maenad herself, actually. It does its Wolverine impression and leaves some seriously brutal looking gashes across Sookie’s back.

Bill finds her, high-tails it to Fangtasia, tells Jessica to go straight home so she can have a story line of her very own, and enlists Eric and Dr. Ludwig to save Sookie.

The vampires have no idea what attacked Sookie, so they brainstorm and go hiking and snark at each other and come up with a big fat nothing. Then Dr. Ludwig prescribes some fresh-from-the-fount vampire blood to heal her the rest of the way, and Eric’s got a big ole vampire boner for the Sookster. But Bill’s a cock-block and shuts him down. Too bad, really, I can’t wait to get more Eric/Sookie tension. Speaking of…

Sookie wakes up and discovers that the Lost island actually exists in the basement at Fangtasia, which leads her to Lafayette. This is, of course, unacceptable, so she yells for a while at Eric, slaps him, and baits him by threatening him, which makes him totally hot. I think she kind of liked it too, though she won’t admit it for another season or two, unfortunately.

So, Sookie bargains her services plus a fee of $10,000 and Bill’s accompaniment to Dallas in exchange for Lafayette’s release. Eric’s pretty desperate to find Godric so he agrees.

Bill and Sookie give Lafayette a ride to his house where he curls up on the couch and has a good cry because, dammit, he deserves it. Then they go back to Bill’s and walk in on Jessica making out with Hoyt. Yikes!

Speaking of Jessica, she goes straight home like Bill instructed, but is lonely and sad and sashays over to Merlotte’s for a pick-me-up. She picks up Hoyt instead and they’re absolutely adorable! New favorite couple!

Over at Camp Crazy, Jason thinks he might be gay? What is the point of this weird in bed with Poor Dead Eddie dream, exactly? I mean, aren’t we all already aware that he’s totally conflicted about the vampire rights issue? Anyway, Jason tries to leave because he realizes that he doesn’t hate vampires and they’re not monsters any more than humans are, but Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah tells him some sob story about her dead sister and he totally buys back into the whole stupid thing. How long before Jason ends up in bed with Sarah? Bets can be placed here – two cent ante! I say by the next episode.

At dinner, Rev. Newlin tells Jason some sob story about his poor dead family and Jason is still buying into it instead of pointing out that everyone seems to be operating on a need for revenge rather than one for God’s love and guidance. Then again, he’d have to define revenge and that might be a stretch for him.

The Island of Dr. Moreau is hopping, though, because they’re all a bunch of guitar-playing, doobie-smoking, fruit-eating heathens! Tara and Eggs get a little closer with each scene and Maryann gets more and more frightening.

Over breakfast, Tara asks Maryann why Sam hates her. Just like Sam, Maryann lies and makes up some lame excuse because the truth is scary and weird. And then she rolls the grandmother of all joints. I kid you not, this thing looks like a friggin’ firework.

That night they have a party, which is really an orgy. Andy Bellefleur stops by about a noise complaint, notices a big-ass hog in a little house, gets groped by Maryann, and then is confused because the hog disappears. Umm, I must pose a question: Has Tara never noticed the tiny little guesthouse that houses a hog? You know, just like the hog she swears she saw when she crashed? Anyone? Bueller?

Over in the hot tub, a topless massage therapist gropes Tara and Eggs and Eggs can’t believe his luck because omg topless girl who wants to rub him! But Tara remembers Sam’s warning and runs upstairs to escape the madness. Good call, chica.

Over at Merlotte’s, Daphne’s drawer is over $60 short, which makes Sam SAM!SMASH on his desk for a minute. (It has only just occurred to me that she’s called Daphne for crying out loud and I should have made the connection sooner. Oh, well, you can win them all.)

Where was I? Oh, right, She’s a crappy waitress and Sam’s pretty grumpy lately, but he pulls it together long enough to offer Tara some advice about looking closely at the people she’s been spending time with, which is very sage indeed.

Then he asks Terry to run the bar for a little while because he’s moving or vacationing or having a nervous breakdown or something. Whatever it is, it requires boxes marked “Den” (funny since he lives in a trailer) to be stuffed into his Bronco. Terry thinks this is a terrible idea and tells Sam so, but Sam’s got his resolved face on, so nothing is getting through.

That evening, the boarder collie from last season shows up and… wait a minute. Sam was just going to leave him? Isn’t that dog his pet? I’m confused. Is the dog wild? Is it like an exceptionally nice dingo? A well-fed, groomed, trained dingo?

Anyway, Sam and the wild boarder collie go for one final frolic and a midnight swim. The collie backs out at the last minute because he’s better at being a dog than Sam is, clearly. Daphne shows up a moment later and decides that a swim is a wonderful idea. She strips down and we end on a shot of her bare back with giant scars like Sookie’s recent wounds! Dun, dun, DUNN!

I’m taking bets on when Jason sleeps with Super Sexy Spiritual Sarah, when Sookie finally loosens up on Eric a bit, what exactly Daphne is, and who shot JR. All bets are two cents and payable in cash only.

Was the new format confusing? How do you guys feel about it?