Merlin – Recap & Review – The Poisoned Chalice

photo: nbc

Merlin
The Poisoned Chalice

Original Air Date: June 28, 2009

Andi – Sr. Reviewer
andi@thetwocents.com

Well, hello there faithful friends. Tonight’s episode of Merlin involves The Formerly Bionic Witch again and her version of Hamlet, which is really more like Here Merlin, Drink This Poison. It’s good times.

Nimueh starts us off by bleeding into her pensieve (The Harry Potter references just write themselves, I’m telling you. I’m not even fighting it anymore) and making some kind of poisoned Scotch tape that she affixes to the side of a chalice, like the evil-doer she is, and says, “Merlin,” in this absurd faux evil voice that perfectly exemplifies why Bionic Woman sucked despite all that wonderful talent that was working on it. Err, sorry about that. Where was I? Oh, right, Merlin.

Over in Camelot, there’s a giant meeting of the Bloods and the Crypts and just so you know, Uther’s side are the Bloods, in case you have anything blue you need to get rid of before he kills your ass. The Crypts will be played by neighboring pseudo-enemy kingdom, Mercia. And as the soundtrack gives itself a concussion, we pan over to see Nimueh herself hidden among the servants. It’s worthy to note that she’s wearing both red and blue, which is kind of clever given that she’s not really on a side and the whole point of her character is to bring us the grey area and drag some of these more black/white characters into it with her.

Speaking of black/white characters, Uther’s gearing up to point out the plot device for us: They are all there for the signing of a treaty to put an end to war and start a new friendship. Uh, I wasn’t aware they were at war. I mean, what the hell is Arthur doing making doe eyes at Merlin and playing Ultimate Fighter: Medieval Edition all the time if there’s a WAR ON? The point is, they’re putting away their Glocks and their butterfly knives and the ‘hood will now be a peaceful place. Word.

After the credits we find Merlin and Gaius making mildly amusing small talk when Nimueh shows up and I’m going to have to assume that she can change her appearance or wouldn’t Gaius and Uther recognize her, what with their shady, secret past and all? She introduces herself as Kara and swiftly makes with the googly eyes at Merlin and because he’s a young man who hasn’t figured out what the Slash Dragon keeps trying to tell him, he makes googly eyes right back. Gaius makes “For crying out loud,” eyes in the background.

Somewhere in the castle Nimueh gets sneaky and sneakily replaces a perfectly normal goblet with her poisoned one and makes a face that says, “Aren’t I just the most appealing evil enchantress ever?” No, no, you’re not. So, Merlin and Arthur are hanging out, doing laundry, talking about hygiene and Arthur asks Merlin on a date. Okay, well, maybe he just tells him he has to be at that night’s banquet in an official capacity to make sure Arthur’s booze supply is uninterrupted, but close enough! And then he’s mean to Merlin, but nobody cares because Arthur’s been playing this like Buttercup to Merlin’s Westley all this time and when he’s rude it means, “I love you.” Awww.

So, we head on over to the banquet and what is that? It’s like a parrot and a peacock are mating on Merlin’s head. It’s… it’s… big enough to cover the boy’s ear’s for Christ’s sake! Someone buy that hat maker a drink! But then Merlin spies the Formerly Bionic Witch across the room (where she appears to be trying to make some kind of facial expression, but I have no idea what it is) and he rips off the ridiculous hat. Gwen skedaddles because clearly Merlin’s not into her like she thought. The king from Mercia goes on to rival Uther’s standing as King Windbag as he presents the Pendragons with goblets. Ruh Roh! But there’s Nimueh telling Merlin that one is poisoned. So, naturally, Merlin ends up barging into another situation he’s unprepared for and through a series of events that aren’t worth writing down, has to drink from the goblet to prove he’s telling the truth. Arthur is most distressed, but Merlin does it anyway and he promptly falls to the floor.

Merlin is rushed back to Gaius’ chambers where Gaius sciences (it’s a verb, I swear) that he was poisoned not with Scotch tape, but with a petal from the Morteus Flower (someone got a Latin dictionary for Christmas, didn’t they?). And the only cure is made from the leaves of the same flower, which can only be found Somewhere Far Away That is Guarded by a Dinosaur, naturally. Guess what Arthur does. Yep, he rushes off to get said leaves against his father’s wishes. All’s fair in love and war, Uther, where you been, yo?

Merlin continues to get worse at an accelerated rate. And, as Gaius can add two and two, he sends Gwen in search of Kara/Nimueh, because this is the portion of the show when Gaius suspects magic. Do you guys think I should capitalize all that? I mean, it’s almost a proper noun. Gwen does not find her because Nimueh is a ninja and left town hours ago.

The next morning finds Uther and Morgana having a most odd conversation. Honestly, you guys, these two have more chemistry between them than Merlin and Arthur. It’s… odd. Anyway, they discuss Arthur’s little mutiny and she sure has the king’s ear because he lets her get away with saying a lot of truly snippy stuff.

Cut to Arthur riding through the wilderness on his trusty steed, dressed head to toe in full battle armor. He sure doesn’t skimp, huh? Nimueh sees him in her pensieve and she looks a little peeved at the situation.

Meanwhile, Gaius and Gwen do some adding and come up with “Oh, no, Arthur could be waking into a trap if the bitch who did this knows he went to get the antidote!” They should open a PI firm.

Merlin writhes around in bed, ears flapping side to side, and moans Arthur’s name. NO JOKE! The subtitles said, “Arthur. Oohh.” Make of that what you will.

Somewhere Far Away That is Guarded by a Dragon, Arthur and his trusty steed make with the CGI slaying and then meet a strange girl who looks justlike that servant from Mercia, but Arthur doesn’t notice because he was busy looking at Merlin’s crazy feathered hat that night. She sends him into the cave for the leaves and then screws him over because she’s a bitch like that. Soon enough, Arthur is hanging on to the side of a cliff, being chased by giant spiders and barely clutching the all-important leaves.

Meanwhile, back at the castle, Merlin is still writhing about in bed, sweating and calling out Arthur’s name. I couldn’t make this up, seriously. But he apparently senses Arthur’s forthcoming doom through their two sides of a coin connection or something. He does some fancy unconscious magic and creates a big ball of light for Arthur to follow out of the scary, giant spider infested cave. And he moans some more, except this time he adds in the word, “faster.” So, umm, yeah, he is in fact moaning, “Oohh, Arthur, faster.”

I told you this show was dirty.

Arthur gets back home and his dad throws him in hack because he’s a mutineer or something, but Gwen sneaks into hack to get the leaves from him and Gaius makes some antidote and Merlin is saved and Gwen kisses him good and proper and no, Show, after all that, I don’t buy Gwen and Merlin as romantic interests. Sorry.

Over at the multipurpose room, which is double-timing as the war room, Gaius…wait for it…wait for it…barges in to tell Uther that Nimueh was the culprit and I think Uther just peed himself. And then Gaius lays some weird cryptic shiznit on us: “Do you think Arthur should be told the truth about Nimueh?” B’zuh? That has potential to be really interesting. I’m pleasantly surprised by this little twist.

Arthur visits Merlin so they can have a touching and slightly awkward little moment and it is adorable! Just plain adorable!

Later, out on the battlements with the wind rustling their hair, Uther tells his son he’s proud of him and Arthur looks at him like OMG Dad, you’re embarrassing me! Aww!

This sure was an exciting week in Camelot, eh? I kind of love this episode, despite that annoying formerly Bionic woman.